I, A 27-Year-Old Single Woman, Am Using Bumble For The First Time

Hi, world! Lara here…and I’m single. I am also seemingly ready to mingle which is why I have recently embarked on my dating app journey.

It’s not that I’ve never been on dating apps before — four years ago I was on Tinder for like a month. But then I met someone (IRL, can you believe it???) and we decided to DTR (do people still say this?) and stayed that way for three and a half years. But here I am, single again, and a whole new world of dating apps have summoned me.

Because I rarely go to bars, Zac Efron never responds when I slide into his Instagram DMs, and I don’t know how else to meet people…I did the next best thing…I joined Bumble.

^^ This is the Bumble logo photoshopped over one of my friend's heads. Thanks for listening.

Lara Parker

^^ This is the Bumble logo photoshopped over one of my friend’s heads. Thanks for listening.

For those of you who somehow don’t already know (MUST BE NICE!!!) Bumble is a dating app like most others, but this one in particular requires straight women to make the first move.

Because straight men can sometimes be the worst (see below), I was excited about the prospect of getting to control the conversation starter.

So a week ago, I began my Bumble journey. And this is how it went.

1. It’s 10:23 p.m. on a Tuesday night and I am stoned and sad. Should I download Bumble? I’m gonna download Bumble.

2. Fuck, I forgot I have to build my entire profile.

3. SIX PHOTOS?? My astrological sign?? Oh, and political preferences, thank god.

4. What type of photos say, “I like to have fun but I swear to god if you ghost me I will haunt you when I am an actual ghost after I have died and make you regret it?”

5. How tall *am* I? I haven’t measured myself since 2008.

6. What does someone write for a dating app profile? Like, a sentence? How do I sum up how fucking great I am in 140 characters?

7. Does anyone even read the bio?

8. Why am I trying to choose six perfectly crafted photos that showcase who I am as a person if you can just link your damn Instagram?

9. I…I can’t believe I just spent 34 minutes of my life building this profile.

10. Ok, whatever, this is as good as it’s gonna get. Let’s start swiping.

ME, Lara Parker

ME, Lara Parker

11. Wait I did not mean to swipe right. I didn’t even see his face!!! MY THUMB BARELY MOVED!!!

12. Oh wow…people really go all out in their bios.

13. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY EMOJIS BEING USED? Should I be using more emojis?

14. Turns out that people *do* in fact read the bios — at least I do.

15. Wtf is an ENTJ and why do men’s profiles keep telling me that they are this combo of letters?

16. Okay, look, I’m not trying to be picky here but why do these men keeping providing me with their Instagram handle while also linking their Instagram profile with their Bumble profile? They know I can already see their Instagram, right…?

17. How did I already get a match? It’s been literally three minutes. This seems fake.

18. Wow swiping is so fast. This is a rush.

19. It’s midnight and my wrist is starting to hurt, I should go to sleep.

20. But I need to see who else is on here.

21. Wait, I can expand my filters to weed out certain things? GAME CHANGER.

22. Ohhhh you have to pay for extra filter changes. Clever, Bumble. Clever.

23. This guy doesn’t have any emojis in his bio or random letters and is extremely attractive…………swipe right.

24. I need to go to bed. I’m going to bed.

25. Why am I checking Bumble first thing in the morning? Is this better or worse than Instagram? Someone tell me.

26. I have nine new matches, oh my god.

27. Why hasn’t anyone messaged me yet, what the hell?

28. Ohhhhhhhh………….I have to message. Forgot about this rule. Do I like this rule? I don’t have anything clever to say at 7 a.m. Why am I on Bumble at 7 a.m.?

29. Oh my god I only have 24 hours for this?!? Okay I guess that’s actually kind of a long time but I feel stressed.

30. I definitely don’t mind being the one to start the conversation but does this automatically give these guys the upper hand? Since they *know* I have to be the one are they already working less hard? Am I already putting forth all the effort? Am I overthinking this? Yes. Glad I have therapy tonight.

31. Peanut butter sounds so good right now. Maybe that’s how I should start this. I need to figure out where these guys stand on crunchy vs. creamy.

32. Why did I just ask nine different men how they feel about peanut butter???

33. Oh now they only get 24 hours to respond. HOW DOES THAT PRESSURE FEEL, MEN??

34. No one has responded and it’s already been seven minutes. I am bored. Time to start swiping again.

35. On one hand it feels slightly wrong to judge all of these men based on a few pictures and a sentence or so of information. But on the other hand…some of these profiles are asking to be judged. Who am I to shy away from a moment of judgment?

Lara Parker

Lara Parker

36. Swiping has become part of my life now. How did I live without it for so long? This is such a rush. Oh wow, he’s so cute. Oh my god a match. Oh I have to start the convo. I’ll worry about that later.

37. Am I seriously going to be late to work because I couldn’t stop swiping people on Bumble??

38. Okay ummmm, this guy has informed me that he likes crunchy peanut butter and immediately asked to get drinks. Like, damn, can you at least ask me my preference for peanut butter first???

39. I have to actually meet up with some of these people eventually if I want to find love, huh?

40. I DON’T WANT TO ACTUALLY MEET STRANGERS. WHAT AM I DOING?

41. I can’t do this. Dating sucks. Why am I doing this?

42. Oh shit, he’s so cute.

43. Alright, I’m back. Let’s do this.

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